Recently we had a meeting at Downtown Toastmasters, in Nairobi, the club that meets at the CBD. Our theme for the meeting number 69 was pet peeves. These are Toastmasters of the Evening notes. The red parts are meant to be said tongue in cheek, read them that way.
MEETING NUMBER 69
Thank you President +Kuchio Asonga for giving me a chance to taste your power via wielding this gavel. If only more presidents were like you.
For the newbies who may not know it, our president is one the seminal pillars of Downtown club. He found me (the sponsor) stuck at 100 likes in FB. Then he did his abracadabra and whack! The next day out Downtown page had 500 likes and counting, enquiries started flooding my phone and the rest is as they say.
We all have an experience usually trivial, mundane and innocuous but which when it happens sends us into a range. It could be that colleague who struts her thing across the office ostensibly oblivious of the noisy shoes or the Mr. Beans a fly and sandwich.
But for me I hate when I am reading a newspaper, then when someone joins me I courteously put it away so we can have a conversation, but the person takes the newspaper and starts reading it like I am not there. I am left wondering whether I should leave them with my newspaper or snatch it back.
Tonight we try to poke humour at such peeves with a view to correcting ourselves where we are culpable.
To a Toastmaster, a disorganised meeting is such an irritant. That is why today I have put together a team to share blame should something go wrong.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, a word of the day keeps diction errors at bay and so we have a grammarian. George Nyoike is peeved by Kenyans who see no discordance in them sitting pretty in their sleek air-conditioned, washed and polished cars munching goodies as paper wrappings, fruit peels, sugarcane bagasse fly out the windows left, right and ….. okay left again
Kindly tell us what your role is
Thank you __________________
+Martin Muigah is a Paperless Office guru. He is riled to death by self-inflicted inefficiency especially when it is by bureaucrats stuck with and onto paper when everyone else has moved to e-this and i-that. He recently knocked on the forehead of one such, “hallo! This is the third millennium, 2016!”
Please share with us what your role entails
Thank your Martin
The day you learn that Rahab Kariuki is in Kamiti, don’t ask why. It will be because she will have wringed the neck of some narrow minded fellow because she hates with a vengeance people who are loath to consider other people’s opinion. People who allow you to hold your own opinion as long as it agrees with theirs.
Kindly explain what we shall blame you for
Thank you ________________.
+Florence Okinda is irked by people who think dressing is just a matter of hanging some garments on their bodies. She insists that clothes were not made for man, man was made for clothes and so she has opened a vogue emporium towards this end.
Kindly explicate your role.
So we don’t peeve those who don’t like things dragging on, we shall proceed straight into the prepared speeches
We have 3 speakers this evening
1The first speaker, +Momanyi Nyabonyi does not expect people to answer her calls every time. But she has no kind word for those who don’t bother returning missed calls, text or voice mails and to make matters worse it is these same characters who the next time you meet go, “Aah! you are so lost, I would have called you but I lost your number when I lost my phone”. Lost phones don’t ring! dah!
Momanyi will be evaluated by +Esther Obege, who will now tell us the objectives and title of the speech.
<speech name> by Momanyi (Applause)
Thank you Belinda for…………………….
2Next to the lectern is +Cecilia Kinyanjui. She thinks she wouldn’t look good in stripes, otherwise she wouldn’t mind spending a while at Lang’ata after walking around town with a long whip, the kind Rehoboam called a scorpion, and whipping silly the people who eat and throw garbage carelessly. By the way that is an idea. Why not make them eat the garbage carefully?
The evaluator, Kuchio Asonga will tell us the objectives of the speech.
<speech name> by < Cecilia > applause.
Thank you Cecilia me know………………………………………..
3 +Maxmiller Keitany hates people who are allergic. People who are allergic to using handkerchiefs such that, when they have a cold they keeping pulling stuff back and you swallow. People who when coughing or sneezing, are allergic to using an handkerchief, especially when the (she has word for them that I cannot share here) is sitting behind you in a public transport and you can feel your ears getting wet.
<speech name> by <Maxmiller> (applause)
Thank you Maxmiller________________________.
Let us applaud all the speakers once more for that starring performance.
Please use the evaluation slips to, 1. Write an evaluation each of the speakers and pass the slip to him or her, and 2. vote for the best speaker and speech and pass the ballot to the SAA, as we Break for a 10 minutes interactive break. During the break guests please see the SAA regarding your guest fees. It helps defray the meeting room charges. Those without badges sh.50
Seven minutes break! Gavel
+Samuel Onyango our jokes master is miffed by arrogance because he finds it impossible to get through to people who are full of themselves. Not that being full of other people makes it better
Put your hands together for Samuel
Thanks Samuel I did not know that…………………………..
Although inside she is seething with murderous range, she responds as softly as a saint, ”my name is Brenda please”, when the patronizing jingoists in board rooms but with matatu-tout mindset call her what they think are pet names like dear, kababie, mrembo msupa, ……Aaargh!
The topics were marvelous.
And let us applause the speakers too. We shall now vote for the best table topic speaker. Only those who spoke for at least a minute qualify
Please vote for the best Table topics speaker impromptu speaker
The Better Speaker Series speech will be evaluated by Esther Obege, who is shocked and frustrated by an authorized indulgence. Such as when you show someone a picture on your phone and they take the liberty to go through all the other pictures and documents and then just when you thought you are getting your phone back it is passed on to someone else.
Please join me in welcoming Esther Obege.
Thank you Esther.
The Secondspeech will be evaluated by Kuchio Asonga. Kuchio is peeved by the colleagues who let the phone on their desk ring and ring without picking. I think Kuchio’s desk is in or near accounts. He swears that one of these days he is going to stuff the phone into someone’s……. throat.
The Third speech, will be evaluated by +Japheth Musau , who has sworn to smash someones headlights before the end of the year. He pulls our his hair or whatever has remained of it every night he encounters one of those drivers who think the dim light switch in their cars is for decoration.
Hark master, are you ready, please take us through the session.
Ah Counter, please give us your report
The final evaluator learnt the meaning of exasperation from watching a grownup human, male or female, wide down a car window, then casually and nonchalantly throw out some trash like it is the most normal thing.
Please join me in welcoming Janet
Handing Back and Closing
I can hear the irritating sound of goodbye. Before someone starts whispering apopleptic (apopleptic was the word of the and means intense brain damaging anger), I have to go though I would really love to stay because I thoroughly enjoyed your company. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and I leave you with the words of whoopi
“I don’t have pet peeves like some people. I have whole kennels of irritation.”
― Whoopi Goldberg